Communication

Effective communication starts with good listening skills. Being a good listener is not easy. Listening is a process that requires openness, receptivity, and concentration. Our minds are filled with a continuous stream of reactions, questions, and ideas, and often we're too busy thinking of what we're going to say next to pay attention to what is being said.

Listening well goes beyond just not talking. It requires you to actively participate in listening so you can really hear what the person is trying to say.

Here are four keys to help you become a better listener:


1. Ask for clarification
Asking friendly questions when something is unclear allows you to get more information. It also demonstrates your interest and concern. You might say "Please tell me more about that?" or "Can you give me an example?" Even "I don't understand" or a simple "umm hmm" will encourage the speaker. Some people feel threatened by questions, so make your probing gentle and supportive. Be especially careful with "why" questions. Instead of asking, "Why do you say it like that?" try instead, "Are you angry at me for something?" Instead of "Why didn't you call me?" try "Was there something that held you up?"


2. Say back what you hear
Paraphrasing (saying back what you hear) is not the same as parroting. It's repeating, in your own words, what you think the other person is saying. Here are some examples:

* "So even though it's expensive, you think a night course in desktop publishing will help your career."


* "If I understand you correctly, you are unhappy with the teacher's handling of the children."


* "It sounds like you want help with the project. Is that correct?"

Your summary may be off base, but the purpose of paraphrasing is to correct such misunderstandings.

Paraphrasing sometimes works best as a question:

More skillful: "Are you saying that you'd rather stay home than go to the party with me?"

Less skillful: "Obviously you're telling me you don't want to go to the party with me."


3. Say what you think the other person is feeling
Let him or her know that you heard the emotional content. Listen between the lines. What is the person feeling but not saying? Asking for, but not directly? Be empathetic. Say to yourself: "If I were having this experience, what would I be feeling?"

Body language gives you clues: posture, facial expression, and gestures often reveal underlying emotions. Then check out your guesses. Say, "You seem very disappointed. Is that true?"


4. Interpret the meaning
As you listen attentively, you may begin to sense links between feelings and facts. Offer your tentative interpretations as feedback in an accepting, nonjudgmental way. Use the word "because" to link feelings and facts. For example, "You feel scared because this is something you've never done before. Does that make sense?" This type of communication helps you gain both understanding and insight.